A Playlist of the Music that Boys Play in Cars

1. Suedehead by Morrissey

at midnight I am awake on the carpet
watching the ceiling fan spin round and round
while I listen to his mixtape
in the bedroom at my parents’ house

Morrissey is strange and new
but again, so is he
a year older than me
teaching me what couples do

but Morrissey makes me uneasy
like it makes me uneasy to
kiss him in the back of the movie theatre
when I really do just want to watch the film

2. Mr. Brightside by The Killers

nothing about this feels exciting or right
riding shotgun with him to the movies
with my favorite band’s songs playing
since he somehow knows that I like them

I am so much older now
this seems like what to do
towards the end of high school
to prepare for future dates

but just yesterday in Spanish class
after I tried to turn away
he would not stop touching me under the desk
watching my face for my panicked reaction

3. Gypsy by Fleetwood Mac

at noon we are riding through our college town
running errands I hate to do alone
while I put on my favorite song
and we both enjoy singing along

Stevie Nicks is familiar
her voice cozy, like him
a year younger than me
teaching me how to be friends

my favorite song makes me feel light now
like it makes me feel happy to
have someone who shows how much he cares for me
with no hidden motives or expectations

4. She Smiles For Pictures by Big Trouble

there is a sadness I cannot tap into
riding shotgun with him in his old car
with his favorite band’s songs playing
since he wants me to enjoy them, too

I am so much older now
this feels like what to do
when you love in college
and want it to last so long

but the next time we sleep together
after letting more go unsaid
I will realize trust makes a relationship
feeling our friendship break from what we won’t share

5. Tricky to Love by White Lies

this is not a song I would normally like
but I decide to listen just the same
because I want to know his interests
after I have just shared some of mine

I have never felt so sure
that this is how it goes,
it should be this easy,
that when you know, you just know

by the time we reach my apartment
we have decided our next date
and as he gently asks if he can kiss me
I can see that it was always worth the wait

-L

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proper documentation

7 september 2017
i walk around, looking for empty glassware to wash
a group of men, young and old, stop me and say
“you have nice legs, sweetie”

i wore shorts today because
it is 99 degrees and i’m
hustling around this restaurant
for 8 hours and the ac is broken and so
i just smile and walk away,
my legs and face burning

29 september 2017
i am behind the bar putting clean pints away
and the man behind the bar, the one who comes
every week with his fancy camera
says “let me take your picture”
“no, thank you,” i say
“come on,” he prods
“no,” i repeat
and as i walk around the restaurant
i can’t help but feel
he is taking my photo

13 october 2017
“did you just give me the stink eye?”
an old white man behind the bar asks
as i hustle to put away all the
glassware

15 october 2017
“why don’t you smile more? you look so pretty when you smile!”

20 october 2017
“there’s that smile! i saw it!”

14 november 2017
it’s a friday night and my
hands are full and i’m
clearing tables and a man says
“yo we’re ready to order”

with hands full i explain,
“sorry, i’m not a server”
and walk away

later, as i bring food out
he says under his breath
as i walk past
something i can’t hear and so

i back up, look him in the eye and say
“excuse me?”

“i thought you weren’t a server”
he mocks me
and it isn’t until my
manager, who is a male
enters the space that this man
backs off me
(later, he tries to leave without paying)
(a real stand-up guy)

16 november 2017
behind the bar, an older man has had
plenty to drink
and each time i’m at the dishwasher, i’m
directly across from him

“boy, she’s pretty ain’t she?”
he says multiple times to his friends

24 november 2017
“why do you always look so mad?”

8 december 2017
behind the bar, i load the dishwasher
“can i get an amber ale?” he asks impatiently.
“i’m sorry, i’m not a server. someone will be right with you.”
“well can SOMEONE get me an amber ale?” he asks even more impatiently.
i stop what i’m doing, and look at him, take a breath and repeat,
“someone will be right with you.”
********
afterthoughts:

where do we learn to take up space?
and how?

(when i first started this job, i smiled on cue
but now i hesitate, and if you ask me to smile
i know you don’t deserve it)

each day, i remind myself that
i deserve every bit of the space i need

At Great Sand Dunes National Park

The smell of campfire
Still lingers in my hair
As the wind swirls it across our faces.

We sit low between the dunes to hide from the wind.

“Will we ever recover fully from heartbreak?”
I don’t know.

But I hope that we remember bonding like sisters covered in sand
For longer than we remember the many ways in which our hearts were broken.
And I hope that if those memories must stay longer
Than the smell of smoke in my hair after two washes
Then so does this moment.

-LIMG_2841 (1)

the space between

there are things about me
that are more interesting
than whether or not he thinks
i’m pretty

or if he thinks about me
at all

i am made up of more than
pretty, more than
delicate, more than
these ideas that
fence me in

my muscles, my bones are
my own
belong to no other
than me

everywhere they have
brought me and
will bring me

standing alone on hazy mountain peaks
tending to the soil in lonely valleys
driving on my own towards something
unknown

and though i get caught up in
walls and fences
even build them on
my own

i know that
my worth is in
my hands, arms,
feet, spine

or not in these,
but rather, in
the space between

-A

cycles

i recognize the feeling
and know that
it comes
and goes

something with the moon
or perhaps, like it
my own cycle of
growing,
bearing,
and shedding

the rhythm
the blood-stained panties
the familiar ache in my abdomen

i asked myself last night,
where does suffering begin?
where does it end?

my neighbors yell and scream
in front of their children
so loud, the wall we share
quivers

and a few miles south,
the border, we call it
separates two imaginary,
yet very real
worlds –
violently

and this feeling i recognize
though it is sad,
though it is angry
it is unapologetic
it is non-negotiable

i do not bleed,
shed layers of my own
skin
to sustain the suffering
of this fragmented planet

i will only bear this,
continue to shed this
so that perhaps I can carry
the weight
that another cannot bear

-A

healing

TRIGGER WARNING: sexual assault

i find it in music
and self-expression

singing
crimson lipstick
mint nail polish, always chipping

still, i won’t wash my hair
*******
you are one thing, they say
you are a body
you must obey
and brush, shave, primp
tweeze, curl, straighten
cut, paint, dye, wax
apply, wash
scrub, blend

woman, you must
bleed
quietly
and
remain hidden
*******
i am a body,
for now
*******
in the background
at my desk
i fell asleep to the drone of
obsolete ideas

the old testament teaches
an eye for an eye
and Jesus said
thou shall not
steal

my catholic school uniform
white prep school collar, yellow pit stains
weekly mass,
asleep

amen, the body of Christ rose from the dead
I believe,
for now
*******
i am seventeen

please,
teach me how to say
No, I’m not ready
Respect Me
Leave Me The Fuck Alone
when he is pulling at my jeans
belittling my body with words as sharp as knives

and all I have left in me is breathing,
in and out
in and out
*******
i am twenty

please,
teach me how to sleep after
my friend tells me
she repeated no, no
over and over
*******
i am twenty-three

please,
teach me how to console
my roommate
who is still living in the past
as she came to and saw his shadow above her
through the darkness
******
i am twenty-five

please,
teach me how to explain
to my boyfriend’s friend
that it is not up to him to decide
how a person feels about their body, their pronouns,
their own self-expression
******
i’ve seen my sisters’ bodies
torn apart by expectations
and cruel, irreverent hands

i’ve seen tears
enough to
drink in our sorrow for
the rest of my days

hearts strewn, but our hands together
i’ve watched us
rise from the dead

not quiet, not hidden
open, bleeding, wounded

healing