what if you gathered the seeds that you need?
can instinct be trusted?
the sun wakes me up each morning,
greets my eyelids with shadows
(my window blinds, the tree branches
swaying outside, light and the absence of it)
my instinct is to
question everything –
to lay down in darkness,
allow it to pass until
the light wakes me up again
why am i asleep
when you hold me?
have i gathered the seeds that i need
to sustain myself?
will storms pass, will they come back again?
all that i ever see is
light and the absence of it
when the moon goes away
during the daytime
we are still aware of the darkness
on the other side of the planet
and when the fire burns bright
during the winter
we are still aware of the deep chill
just outside the circle of warmth;
so am I aware of the madness
that lies in wait beneath my surface
settling like a dense fog in my mind
visible only by glancing to the side
and so too am I aware of the line
that thinly separates my quaint life
from the spiral of insanity
known to stalk and follow and creep up on me.
You cannot take back the last few months. They have happened, and you are in this place. Please allow yourself forgiveness. These last few months do not mean anything about your character, or your worthiness of love. They have been a muddled time, a time of hibernation, of confusion.
You do not have the answers but you have made a decision – to move to New Mexico. Now, you must wait til then, patiently and impatiently. With kindness in your heart – not only for others, but for yourself.
Do not despair. You are vibrant. You are loved. You are smart and kind.
You are deserving of happiness, if you allow it to enter your bloodstream.